i am khayyam: Regurgitating recurring dreams...

Normally one wouldn't be dreaming about this kind of KISS. I went to Dr. Hoe Mark yesterday, he shares an office with Weiping Wang. I'd have to say he's the hardest working Hoe I know. Regardless of his work ethic, we travelled back to my youth to find the root of some physical symptoms I've been suffering. My ears, nose and throat issues all manifested at the age of about six years old. The age at which my father had a heart attack and at that young age I took on the responsibility of causing his heart attack. Pretty big responsibility to take on when you're six. Not to mention I had no control over what happens to anyone, including myself. Hoe asked me about my dreams at that age and I recall two recurring dreams, one possibly a nightmare since it left me crying out in absolute fear.

So this is how we come to KISS. In the early eighties I was exposed to the groups that my elder two brothers listened to, well, perhaps the one ;) I remember seeing the album covers and the make up that these guys sported. Scary stuff when some crazy tall man with monsters for boots and a tongue that spews blood in a mist similar to the sprinkler my next door neighbour has. Six years old and the KISS army was closing in on me. I think I've mentioned this dream before somewhere in my blah'ging history, so anywho... it starts out on Poplar Crescent and I'm outside riding my bike, picking my nose, throwing rocks... you know being six. And all of a sudden a UFO hovers between our house and the next door neighbours and a really long ladder starts descending to earth. At this point I'm frozen in astonishment and just waiting to see what is going to appear through the black rectangle of the ufo. Gene Simmons pokes his tongue around the corner and one after another the KISS army descends upon me. Now I'm freaking out. I run to the door of the house and it's locked. I can see through the window of the door that my brother is behind it and won't unlock it for he too saw the ufo and slips into survival mode. That leaves me running to the back of the house to try and get in. No dice. On the way, the KISS army surrounds me and I'm swallowed in darkness. On cue, I sit up in bed with tears of fear rolling down my cheeks and realize where I am and it was only a dream... a dream that I never thought would last six or seven years.

The other recurring dream that I had was right out of Indiana Jones. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dr. Jones is in a dark cave and it's booby trapped. One of the traps is a boulder becomes dislodged and rolling through the narrow cavern crushing everything in it's path. Well, that boulder gets transported into the house where I spent most of my early days. If you were to open up the doors in the house you could walk from one end to the other. Well this boulder would roll through the house (and through the door jams somehow, what am I supposed to say... it's a dream, boulders roll through door jams in my dreams) and rustle file folders full of papers that were really important to other people. I would run back and forth making sure nothing was out of place or any papers floating away due to the boulder creating a wind stream in it's wake.

So my Hoe says that I've inherited my father's struggle. Brilliant, I thought I had it hard enough ;) He struggled with his and made his choices to the best of his abilities to combat it. I had the privilege of witnessing it first hand. Now on my path I make the choices that he did not make. We were both on either side of the spectrum. Inheritances aren't always was they are cracked up to be.

There was one interesting thing that surfaced however. I have been numbing all sensations and emotions which by default puts my in my armadillo state (curled and shielded up) which suffocates the rest of me. By numbing everything away or out I was slowly killing myself. Which reminded me of a passage in Dr. Wayne Dyer's book, Your Erroneous Zones:

If you place a rock under a microscope and observe it carefully, you note that it never changes. But, if you put a piece of coral under the same microscope, you'll detect that it is growing and changing. Conclusion: The coral is alive, the rock is dead. How do you distinguish between a flower that is alive and one that is dead? The one that is growing is alive. The only evidence of life is growth! If you are growing, you are alive. If you are not growing then you might as well be dead.