Thursday, April 26, 2007

Aftermath I usually went to physics...

I've had a couple days to reflect and distract myself from that which has been occupying my thoughts for the past while. I could go into details about how this happened or what happened or perhaps even describe to a certain extent why it happened... but I won't. Let's just say everything happens for their reasons and that is all I need to know. What will be will be. I am however grateful for my two brothers and the way they have supported me, especially my mother this week. My eldest brother flew in to surprise my mom and to be with her during an extremely difficult time. My other brother will be coming to spend the weekend with her for the prayers that are being offered for my father. I had a difficult time and felt helpless not being able to be with my mother. The simple gestures can mean the greatest and I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I loved her with immense intensity. Thank you Salman and Gibran for being my brothers and loving mom the way that you do.

I am more than suffocated now with family and my stay in Islamabad. I feel constricted and am toted around like a child from one place to the next without even a consultation if I would be interested in going. The day of my father's barsi I was dragged off to some posh restaurant to sit with the former Chief Justice of Pakistan, some sportscaster from GeoTV and another significant person in Islamabad that I deemed insignificant ;) I sat there speechless and off in my own world. It made me realize how little my family actually knows me.

I was in no mood to attend people's homes the next day after my experience. I knew how I would be and just needed some time to myself, why is that so hard to understand? Instead I'm brought into hugs so tight I can barely breathe, more phone calls to attend and visits from people just to make sure that I'm 'ok', the complete opposite of what I want and needed.

So fortunate for me in the nick of time I was whisked away to the land of Wah Cantt neighbour to Taxila containing the ruins of the Gandhāran city of Takshashila (also Takkasila) an important Vedic/Hindu and Buddhist centre of learning from the 6th century BCE to the 5th century CE. In 1980, Taxila was declared a UNESCO World Heritage Site with multiple locations. Upon arriving I was asked why I don't like Pakistan. I thought it to be a funny question. It was elaborated on and the explanation was through the family grapevine someone was told that I liked India more and that's why I was going back. They are two completely different entities to me. In India I was free to roam, independent and when I wanted to do something it was within me to do so. In Pakistan however I feel as though I am rotting away just like the meat that hangs in the bazar with flies roaming around it waiting to be plucked from it's dangling existence and consumed. I am in Pakistan yet I have yet to experience it. The historical significance and sights are oblivious to me. I spent two weeks in Lahore and all I saw was a fingertip of what could be experienced. I'm always blocked by family offering to take me to see what I want to see and it always turns out that I get to see one thing and not the rest. If I were to head out on my own I would go from one place to another, handle this thing or the other and occupy my day to it's fullest. Taxila is home to major historical significance in sub-continental legends. It is referenced in the Mahābhārata and in the Indian epic Rāmāyaṇa (I highly recommend it for fantastical tales and folklore). My cousin-brother is going to accommodate me seeing everything that I wanted to see. He understands the flow in which I travel with and knows that I wish to discover not only family but the land that houses them.

Everything you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows

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