Thursday, January 25, 2007

So fresh and so clean, clean...

I have existed in a world only known to me. By this I mean that I have never allowed or entertained my family into my life. I shut them out of my life to save them from disappointment. At a very young age I recall hearing the word 'disappointed' coming from my parent's mouths with more frequency than should have been ;) So I opted to save them from the facts of my life. Only a few years ago did I make a conscious effort to share my life with my parents and family. It started when my mother and father showed interest in my artistic nature, they exhibited pride and a minute amount of support. Baby steps, then full stride and then a few steps backwards, forwards and you have yourself a dance! This was a beginning.

This blog recounting some of my (mis)adventures and displaying all the pictures that I have taken has been an amazing tool to use to allow my family to see just who I am. Yes, it's true... your son, your brother, your uncle, your cousin and whatever titles I might have... is very different. I have finally accepted it and have to give some insight to my family and friends about who I am. I am one hundred person certain that upon arrival (if & when) 'back home' that the interrogations will begin. As will it be in Pakistan but in a very different approach, the concern will be less but they will wonder when I'll ever cut my hair - soon, very soon ;)

The brothers are the ones who used to scare me the most. Hearing 'disappointed' from their mouths was the knife stabbed and twisted to maximize the pain. I just remember looking up to these 'gods' in my world as a child. Every little brother looks up to their older siblings and want to be made in the same likeness. The likeness to be had was from our father. We each have an amazing strength in one of our father's many traits. Salman, my oldest brother has a work ethic and business acumen that I am in awe of. He's always been the solid brother of the three. Gibran and I share many a jester quality, the showman in us. I've joked around with my mother about why Gibran and I are so similar and Salman is completely different - I used to ask if she had an affair ;) Of course this is absolutely in jest and was understood to be, there is no denying we are from the same block of which we are chips off of. Gibran and I have had an amazing relationship and from what I've noticed any of us Wakil's can push buttons and make one an other's blood boil... family talent.

Salman had left when I was about five years old and so I spent my better part of my child hood with Gibran. As far as brothers go he was the coolest one to have. I can recall countless hours spent in the backyard with the vehicle of the month that was being upgraded, restored, washed, you name it. I was free labour, he must have loved having me around. I'll strike that last bit from the record, we got along as long as I wasn't doing anything wrong ;) I made my mistakes mostly at his expense but lessons learned. Since Gibran is older there is this rule of conduct of minors towards their seniors in our culture - shut up and respect your elders, you're always wrong and they are always right. I do recall hearing my dad yell a few times at us for disputing to begin with. His yell always ruled the land like a lion declaring the obvious, he was king of the jungle.

And me, well I got the passion for life from my father. These travels have allowed me to open up in so many facets of my life that have been dormant; I grew a backbone, I grew an appreciation for my other life and a desire to merge the two - I grew.. I had been a very impressionable child, teenager and young adult and allowed myself to be swayed easily by those whom I had respect for. I made a lot of choices based not on what I wanted but what I thought would be met by approving eyes. Hadn't yet developed the courage. I didn't have the courage in me to travel like this before. It's sad for me that I have had eleven years to tackle fears and venture off to seek out the true booty in life - life experience, the most valuable education.


p.s. Salman & Gibran: It may seem like I am just wandering about without the clues to the mystery of life but I assure you that there is method in my madness. Can't wait to share with you as it unfolds. I love you two... you have no idea!

13 comments:

  1. If I could have an older brother (which my parents always told me wasn't really possible when I asked them for one... lol), I'd want an older brother like you. Even if your penchance for bad luck and bikes persists! :) Take care, K!

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  2. You may be interested in reading this journal by UofS nursing students doing a practicum in India....

    http://www.usask.ca/nursing/international/india/2007/index.htm

    Take care. Be safe!
    eeninstoon

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  3. P.S.: I love your last entry of Jan. 25th. I can relate to the reactions from friends and family when I decided to do what I want instead of what they would expect me to do. Loss of control -- a choking experience.

    When the shoe is placed on the other foot, it brings some pain and discomfort.

    ~een

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  4. No comments on your most favorite, supportive, funny, smart sister-in-law?!

    love Cathy

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  5. Groove,

    Thank you so very much. But as an older sibling you would have to undergo the cruel torment and ridicule that is bestowed upon you as an elder. You still interested? ;)

    Thank you for considering me as your older brother if it was at all possible to give birth to one after you?! ;)

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  6. Elaine,

    Thank you for the journal, it's nice to read about other experiences while in India - adds perspective.

    Stepping out against the grain will always leave you with some splinters but I've managed to always get them out and they've healed ;)

    Thank you for your continued support and love. Hope all is well and tai chi is still going strong and you haven't broken too many rules ;)

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  7. Catherine,

    I cannot begin to tell you how much you have meant to me growing up in the Wakil Compound. You truly are the one whom I have shared the most with in the family. When frustrations got the best of me, who did I turn to? When I was lost and confused, who did I turn to for guidance or a compassionate ear? If you're still scratching your head... the answer to all of them is you.

    I don't know what I would have done if you were not an integral part of the family. It goes without saying the amount of love I have for you and that ninja star toting son of yours ;)

    But if it needs to be said... Catherine... I love you and thank you so much for standing up for me or defending me or protecting me or... what have you.

    Whether you know it or not, you are funny, smart, supportive and thye favorite ;)

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  8. Nice piece, bro. You forgot to play Sinatra's "I did it my way" in the background. You might fool all of your readers with this snake oil salesman's mantra, but you ain't gettin' that shit over on me...I was slingin' the same greasy hash 10 years before you!You!...You!
    Anywho, you now have some life experience to bring to the table.
    The good news is that you have figured out the one and only rule in Life's book (which usually takes a lifetime to figure out): "You cannot love a single soul until you love yourself"...PERIOD. "THERE ARE NO TWO OPINIONS ON THAT". (S.P. Wakil)
    Love,
    Gibrotha

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  9. My dearest brother,

    The adage of 'takes one to know one' has great significance to this conversation, now doesn't it? ;)

    I haven't been doing too well on the snake oil front (sales have been slow) and crushed up my soapbox. No public performances to swindel anyone - no one is buying it or anything. And if there wasn't a better teacher, then you tell me...

    You may have been slinging shit at one point in time but isn't there also a saying as 'same shit, different pile'? I just choose not to exist the way in which you choose to. I've retired from the manure industry.

    I do have a little of life experience to bring to the table and yes, a life lesson very valuable has been learned at an early age. I am fortunate.

    Fortunate enough to choose a life different than your's or Salman's - my own. I see and hear, speak of this and that but when it comes down to it when you're sitting all by yourself with only you and your creator... can you honestly tell me that life is great, you wear a smile on your face and that everything you dreamed of or planned fell into place?

    I see you two brothers of mine, both monetarily successful but bankrupt in other respects. I choose to alter my definition of success and place it on my heaven that I create for myself. Yes, I might be without a penny to my name, in fact... I'm thirty cents away from having a quarter. The point I'm trying to make is that we have differing opinions of what success is. And there are no two opinions on that ;)

    The problem with us is we need something tangible, rather, you guys need something tangible. If I were to publish a book, would that help? How about a job in television or film? Would that earn your respect? The fact is I've been floundering through school that was of no interest to me to begin with and my talents lie in a field full of artists and creative minds. That's something we've been trained to think is below us and not a career but a hobby. Well, my hobby hasn't been seen by either of you and the tangible nature of what I produce is lacking. So, let me produce my book, my show, my art, my whatever and then... then we might see some light come into those eyes of yours. But until then I accept the way in which you view me and know that I am the only one that can make the efforts to change that. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.

    I just want you to be with me along the way.

    Love you and miss you (didn't think I'd be saying that one;)

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  10. I've read the last entry and the comments back.

    You haven't realized...we didn't care what you ended up doing...we only wanted you to do something, and do it with a passion. What we offered weren't what we wanted for you, but ideas for you...things to try until you found what you like. It only became clear later in your life that you enjoyed the arts. Well have at it.

    You also need to realize something else as you talk about your brothers--that what people do and who they are are two different things--what I do is not who I am. I hope you get a chance to spend some time with both of us to see who we really are. We're finding out who you are and we're both proud and happy to see it.

    The eldest.

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  11. Thank you. I do realize that every thing you did was for my benefit, please don't get the wrong idea, and I can place no blame on anyone - I am accountable for my own actions. No one bent my arm to make the decisions I've made, I was right there the whole time.

    It is later on in life that I have realized what my passions are and I am utilizing them now. I plan on spending as much time as I possibly can to demolish the walls I placed when it came to you brothers. I am trying to create a family where there are no secrets. I was embarrassed and even ashamed to show my true self to you in fear of 'dissapointment'. I've managed that anyway but I no longer fear it ;)

    After experiencing eastern families and see how we lack in the western world, it is my desire to instill that tight-knit in our family. I miss my brothers and family and am so happy to hear that you're accepting. I love the fact that we can meet here and share our thoughts and love.

    To tell you guys the truth, I have sabotaged my success since a very long time and just dug up the courage to develop it, nurture it and put it to use.

    So the 'Wakil Compound' cheerleading squad gives me even more strength to pursue passion.

    Thank you. I love you.

    The youngest.

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  12. I wrote a response after yours, Bro, but as I clicked "post", it dissappared and I was late getting to the airport. I couldn't retype it till now. Let mom know that Bob did a great job on the Infiniti and now "I'm rollin'it" in Calgary, albeit with a Saskatchewan license plate.
    Anywho I will try and restate:

    As soon as I wrote that bit about snake oil, I thought, "why did I post that?...I hope K doesn't take it the wrong way"...But then I thought, "Let's see how he responds"

    I just thought that one eye-opening trip around the world will not erase all of the scars, hurt, and pain in anybody's life. I have concluded that the purpose of sdulthood is to cure your childhood. Some (mostly comedians)even make spectacular livings at it. And we all know that you ARE a comedian.

    Your family loves you. We want the best for you. Among the few who ever gave me advice that I took: Aami Ji (may she rest in peace) said to me, "When you can stand on your own two feet, you will be happy". Salman said to me when I was floundering, "Just do something, anything...but do it". Well after that I think I went into the car business. I will never forgive him for that advice...Just kidding!!
    Anyhow, I noticed that in a way he is giving you that same advice. The message is that we know that you have limitless talent and energy, but that energy must be focussed toward a cause...any cause. And once you are put into motion, your momentum will build and provide you with the life that you desire.
    But keep in mind that everybody sells their soul to the devil to make a living. Everybody. And even the life that you are enjoying at this moment has been sponsored by people who, like slaves, went to their jobs, toiled and suffered so that they could provide resources that helped support your cause. And that, my friend is love. You know that you are loved when people will sweat for you. (Come to think of it, I have just defined the underlying principle of Capitalism).
    I and many others have been inspired by your travels and adventures. I firmly believe that Parvez (may he rest in peace), is guiding you every step of the way. I actually believe that this adventure really is HIS adventure, you are just the pawn that he is using. But you get all of the benefits. It is his way of fostering your education.
    In conclusion, (my favorite line in all of those plagiarized papers that I have "written") I just want to say that I agree with the "eldest". When he says that "what I do is not who I am" (That's my line!!) It is nice to know that although our 3 paths differ, we share the wisdom instilled in us by our loving parents.
    On that note, I have to go hustle up a living, today. You enjoy your adventure..."we'll leave a light on for you".
    Love,
    Gibrotha

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  13. I loved the comment about the snake oil, it made me laugh and I didn't take it any way other than knowing you were the one saying it.

    I agree with your statement that our adult life is spent curing our childhood. Our childhood is only what we've given meaning to it and at the time the memory attached to it was just self scarification. My bit is very reliant on my 'trauma' and 'drama' of my youth ;)

    I understand that there is a need to sell one's soul to the devil to make a living, I just want to sell it with a stipulation in the contract that I have the right to purchase it back. I want to keep the contract with 'shataan' as limited and as short as possible.

    "Work smart, not hard" as Professor Wakil would say. I just don't want to work at all but know it is a neccessity.

    Sheikh Saab is living very strongly within me and this is HIS journey but I'm accompanying and reaping the benefits. We've actually had many a conversation and some in regards to the two of you brothers, the family and life.

    The crux of the matter (my favorite line in some of the plagarized papers that I have "written")is that I'm trying to break off from selling my soul and trying to find an alternative. I may just have found it.

    I'll agree with both of my elder brothers but still remain adamant about my outlook on life. Who you are is not what you are, yes. I've had great family examples to follow and on the other hand, examples of what not to do. I'm trying to lead by the way I live.

    I thank both my parents for raising such fine boys that represent the entrire spectrum. There is no light unless there is darkness, they both must exist. So thank you both for allowing for some light to shed after fumbling around in the dark.

    Mai aap say pyaar karta hoo.
    Allahafiz.

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