Grieving...

The last post I had in this blog from my travels was from July. The remainder of July was amazing but heavily doused in grief. At the end of my excursion my aunt passed away, a woman who tied together her children, their children and even their children. She was what bonded my family in Pakistan. Upon my return to Canada I suffered more great losses. I had lost my way in what I used to be able to circumnavigate through with ease. I didn't know how to exist with the growth that I had experienced and assimilate it into my life - I short circuited.

I've been reading my blog from the beginning and realizing this voice that resonated from me. A voice that I really fall in love with. A voice that expresses love, grief, sadness, joy, wonderment, you name it... in a tone that evokes something. I hear the voice that comes out now and it's nowhere near the same, and different. It's hard reading your own words and not believing they come from you. It's even harder to hear the voices inside your head that are full of judgement and self doubt and take them as if they came from above. This reversal explains my short circuiting.

I have spent the past six months in heavy grief and am only realizing it now. I can put on a smile and show everything is great and grand, that's a lie. I've been very good at masking my emotions (or so I thought), let alone feeling them. I'm in pain, I suffer from my ill thoughts and I put myself through this... for what? I cannot change what cannot be changed and I can change what can be changed.

The past is just that... the past. The future does not exist and that leaves us with right now. And right now I am choosing to wade through the swampy waters of self pity, loss and unhappiness. The Universe has taken a snapshot of my thoughts at this moment and I'm not pleased with what it's captured. The struggle is to find that joy and I'm stumbling about looking for it.

I found it in someone. Never to have to look for it again, I had found it. My search was over - my search just began. I had to find it in myself first.

The worst things that have happened in your life can pull you down unless you see them as the greatest gifts in life, then they pull you up. I only hope that like a switch it turns on and I see the gifts because this darkness has caused me more stubbed toes than I would care for.